I remember transitioning from home to Eastern University all I could think of is how much I did not want to be around people. I didn't know at the time I would find healing in this environment. I remember having a mindset that I did not attend this school to make friends. I was strictly there to get a degree and depart. I thought the best friend I could have was me.
Pride consumed me, I had my mind set to conquering my journey at Eastern ALONE. I wanted everything to go my way. I didn't know who I was, but I knew I didn't want to be this cold individual that pushes everyone away. For years I put up a persona of acting like I had it all together on the outside but internally my soul was crying out for help. My brokenness attracted other broken people. I surrounded myself with students who were exactly like me, vulnerable, naive, and easily influenced. I settled for mediocre friendships, I intentionally associated with people I knew would not hold me accountable for my distasteful behavior. Apart of me was comfortable living life to please my peers but another part of me wanted a friend that held themselves to higher standards. I'll put it like this, I had two voices shouting at me. The positive voice told me I did not have to continue living life out of fear and pity. I no longer had to give my power over to people to define my worth. Then there was a negative voice telling me if I changed my life around for the better my "friends" or should I say "associates" wouldn't want to be bothered with me anymore. I feared rejection and abandonment from my peers. Realistically speaking, my biggest fear was being alone. Why else would I fear walking away from people who didn't add to my life? the only thing they added was petty drama yet, I still believed this was the best I could do. I eagerly waited for things to change. The change started within.
All along, God knew the desires of my heart. I wanted genuine friends to hold me accountable for my actions. I didn't want people in my life that were fickle, not staying true to their word and constantly disappointing me. Those friendships were draining. I was tired of being silent on issues that were eating me alive. I wanted to express who I was. I never gave myself a fair chance to let my guards down to allow someone to come into my heart. But, throughout my journey at Eastern, I was granted with healing, friends, and so much more. The process was brutal but it was well worth the wait.
I went through many different fazes in college, one of them was leaving phony friends behind to discover the beauty of divine friendships. The process of discovering divine friendships was gratifying, all I had to do was be me. This required risks, I had to willingly let my guards down to people I sensed were trustworthy. Throughout this process, I decided to be authentic about who I was. The reward was priceless, real friends found me. I didn't have to search, and I didn't have to try. All I did was stay true to who I was, I did not have to pretend or act sophisticated because in reality I was a hot mess. The truth is, I was tired of exerting unnecessary energy on people who did not have my best interest at heart. Shortly after my process of turning over a new leaf, I got a sense of distinguishing what was right and wrong in others and myself. I thank God for granting us with a spirit of discernment. When I decided to make more effective decisions and live an overall healthier lifestyle the phony friends slowly started to wither away, when I stopped doing favors out of obligation the people who were never meant to be apart of my life distanced themselves from me.
I say this in the most sincere way, having phony friends gave me an appreciation for genuine friendships. Having fleeting friendships made me value the ones who stuck it out for me during the tough times and are still here till this day. Making the decision to leave unhealthy friendships behind provided opportunities for me to flourish. The friendships I have now I cherish deeply, I can freely express who I am without judgement, without fear, without shame.
Dear God: Thankyou for showing me the way out of friendships that were never meant to be. All my downfalls happened to be blessings in disguise, you turn ashes to beauty. I give all the praise to you for restoring me, for loving me, for revealing areas of my life that need your intervention. Thankyou for your unfailing love and sufficient grace.
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