As you know from my previous blogs I was born and raised in a christian household, I attended church since I was a child. The truth is, I always knew there was a God but I did not believe I was worthy of receiving His love. I heard time and time again how God loves me and died on the cross for my sins but I continually struggled to believe I was worthy of His relentless love.
It was not until I started attending college when I noticed my underlying issues of insecurity surfacing. I tried desperately to cover up my insecurities by seeking validation from my peers, it only made matters worse. I had this assumption that because I attended a christian university I would be surrounded by students who were perfect and had everything under control. I feared I was the only one struggling with my identity in Christ. Little did I know many students hid in their shame the same way I did. I tried to keep people at a distance to protect my heart. I thought maybe if I push people away and put up a false persona of being perfect I would eventually find happiness. My perspective on myself and my peers was tainted, I assumed because students showed they had it all together on the outside they were content on the inside.
I started isolating myself, I was running from God and the people who love me most. I followed the lie that God wont love me until I clean up my ways. At this point I was all too familiar with christians acting like they have it all together, I was falling in the same category. This resulted in me running away from God and ignoring my deep rooted issues. I started living my life for other people, I was a people pleaser. I did many things for others out of obligation, not knowing how to stand up for myself and feared letting people down.
It wasn't until I was so sick of suffering in silence when I decided to allow my guards to be taken down. I started this journey by talking to my close friend, Doxa. For the first time, I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to speak on underlying issues. Things did not change in a blink of an eye but I gradually started to find hope in my circumstance. One thing that gave me hope was the way Doxa received what I said, she did not judge, she assured me that vulnerability is a form of strength.
The truth is, I was afraid of being vulnerable. For so long I saw vulnerability as something that was foreign and too uncomfortable for me. Many times I tried to take the easy way out by avoiding my issues. I was tired of suppressing my damaged emotions. My issue was fear, fear of judgement and disappointment from others. I was so focused on opinions of others that I lost myself completely. It was not until I decided to open up to the right people that things in my life began to beautifully unravel. But the journey did not end there.
What I learned? God works through the mess, it is when I am at my weakest points that God uplifts me. He can see right though the hurt and pain I try to hide. The truth is, God wants to be invited into every area of our life. Not some, all parts of our life, the good, the bad, the ugly. Will you invite Him in?
Dear God: Thank you for opening doors for me to meet amazing friends, thank you for your patience, I could not walk through this journey of life without you. Thank you for your love and grace that never fails me. Thank you for my story because if it wasn't for my struggles I would not know how much you love me.
Stay tuned!
Be blessed!
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